Buzzword

When I'm sad, I swallow it down, without even water.

I realize there's less and ever less standing room on this overpopulated planet, so I'm being considerate-- I've been fading into the background gradually, and I'm almost completely out of sight.  I've realized that's where I belong, but I also know that I'll belong to the foreground, to the relevant, if that's where I choose to go.  But I'm not relevant.  Perhaps here in the shadows I can teach myself to contribute. 

Stargazing at the concrete:

Rolling with the punches.
Perpetually in slow motion.  Waiting for something to happen. 

On Blogging: Pitfalls and Piety

It's been a while since I blogged. Last time I blogged was, well, different, to say the least. It was under a pseudonym, and I told no one about it. Though I changed certain details to maintain my anonymity, it was nonfiction-- as candid, as honest, as true to me, as I'd ever been.  The anonymity was liberating.  And it had a lot of followers... because it was entertaining, because it was honest.

Then some people found it, somehow...

Actually, I had another blog after that... It was initially intended to be a sort of promotion for my film Chloe, wherein I was to write as the character, but, because the timing didn't work out, it sort of devolved into a regular personal rant-blog, and then a highly codified series of puzzles... Anyway.  This will be different.  I don't have any kind of cloak of anonymity; I have my name on it.  And if I've learned anything, I've learned about lurkers.

I've learned that I don't like lurking, neither to lurk nor to be the object of lurking.  I've learned about the two types of lurkers-- the distant/curious, and the close/paranoid.  The former group tend to be folks you don't really know-- either people you used to know but fell out of touch with, or people you've never met at all; these are folks looking for information.  The latter group is a paradox.  These are people you know well, even extremely well, and are in fairly regular contact with; these are folks with an agenda.  Now simply reading someone's blog out of interest, whether you've never met at all, or share a bed, is not lurking.  Being interested in the blogger's life or enjoying their writing is a wonderful thing.  So what exactly separates the wheat from the chaff?  What makes a lurker?

As defined here on this blog-- a lurker is someone who uses a blog, or a personal website, or Facebook (Facebook is comprised almost entirely of lurkers), etc, somewhat compulsively, to find "dirt" or "evidence" of perceived slights or conflicts, on the object of the lurker's fixation.  This is the real difference.  It's mostly bad news with a lurker.

So there's nothin' here for lurkers.  I imagine this will consist of a lot of boring, tedious hogwash (see above) to keep me busy and feeling understood during periods of artistic and social (read: figurative and literal) isolation.

It's a drag, being an agoraphobic exhibitionist.  I am a private person, plagued by the need to express, to the faceless masses, to feel connected, and, at the same time, extremely irritated by breaches of privacy... The truth is, most likely, nobody gives a goddamn.  HAH.

But this is necessary for my sanity right now.  I'm artistically sort of stuck-- waiting for production/post-production, etc.  And I'm socially sort of bizarre.  That's not new.  But it's different.  Anyway.

What a terrible first round of drivel.

Godspeed.

First off..

1.19.14 - Again, it's been a long nasty time. I should really write more often... Sometimes I feel like I can't write, like I shouldn't write, until I have accomplished something-- but that's sort of a catch-22. What will I ever accomplish if I don't write, share, or even acknowledge that, maybe I have accomplished things?? I have. I mean I really have. I just don't feel it sometimes. What is accomplishment and what do I want anyway?? What qualifies an accomplishment? Money? Accolades? Carnegie Hall? Platinum Records? I just want some respect. I've written my whole third record... finished writing it like six months ago. I've put up some of the new songs I think. I'm working with my producer from my first, The Unexamined Life. But we're going a totally different direction. Embracing electronica, it's all half the world listens to, so get with the times, girl. I have no idea when it will get done, but I guess that's just one of those things I have to learn to accept: unless you're producing yourself, your work ain't a number one priority. Fair trade-off, I suppose. I miss playing shows with my band, miss an audience, and I miss feedback. I'm also trying to move forward with my film, Chloe, and I'm extremely blessed to have gotten some amazing people on board. Between this new production team, and just the simple comment of an old friend of mine, who said recently that she'd watched it and loved it, I feel humbled and happy and less prone to fall into the rabbit-hole of that voice saying "NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID ART." So that's it for now, that, and a big thanks to those of you who continue to support this crazy pipedream. xo.